It has been quite some time since I have posted on here, and I can only say that I have been on that side of the spectrum when the daily challenges of life start to weigh heavily upon me. It is all to easy to fall into the self-pity that I try so hard to avoid, and sometimes, without being fully conscious of it, I find myself once again back in that place that I try so hard to stay away from.
And so, I have been attempting to find a balance with this daily living. There must be a place where I can be suspended between being truly aware and awake to the reality of what is happening to my body, but at the same time have the same awareness for the gratitude that I owe to this experience. Sometimes I ask, how could I possibly be grateful for the fact that my body continues to attack and destroy itself? It can seem like a cruel and unfair hand that I was dealt. But I have to move past that and realize that my life has changed in profound ways since this journey began.
As I continue to challenge myself to get up and walk without the assistance of a cane, I have been very aware of the way my body struggles to balance itself. I find myself embarrassed to be seen like this sometimes. I know I can appear like a very drunk person trying to stay upright, as I sway and stumble, and I wonder sometimes what people are thinking. I try so hard to walk slowly and correctly so that I will not be stared at or judged. And I have begun to realize that this struggle to find my balance physically, has in so many ways paralleled my struggle to balance my perspective on the whole experience of these daily bodily struggles.
I have found that the more accepting I am of the way I am, the way my body effects me in every situation, the more balanced I become in my attitude about it. I find that when I am so focused on my balance when walking, and how others are seeing me, the more focused I become on the unfairness of my situation. As I worry about what others think, I become harder on myself and my life. However, when I can let go of, and not worry about, how I appear to others, I find that I appear so much better to myself as well, and I tend to not focus on the downfalls of my situation.
Finding my balance may never quite happen in a physical sense, but I know that it is truly possible in an mental,emotional and spiritual sense. And it is so clear to me that the latter is so much more important. My body I have no control over in many respects, but the way I chose to see myself and my life is entirely up to me. So, I have decided to focus not so much on the challenge of walking with balance physically, but walking through life balanced in the metaphoric sense: walking with purpose and confidence and gratitude for what I do have.
I must honestly say that I have not found this balance yet, but I will continue to pursue it to the best of my ability. And, I know, I will be much stronger for even having tried, no matter where I end up.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Sunday, August 22, 2010
While Losing My Vision, I Gained My Sight
Nearly five years ago, during my first attack of MS, my eyesight began to get very blurry. There were times when all I could see were the outline of objects in near darkness. Sometimes this would occur during an attempt to drive, and in sheer terror I would pull over to the side of the road. Of course, one can imagine the feelings of helplessness that this caused me. Yes, it was scary not to see where I was at times, or to see what was around me; but above all, the most terrifying part of this was the inability to read and engage in nonverbal communication with others.
If I could not see who was approaching, I did not know how to react to this person. Do I smile, being considerate and friendly to a fellow human being, who I did not know? Is it an aquaintance that I say hello to? Or is it a friend that I should acknowledge with excitement and engage in conversation with? I was so afraid of being misinterpreted, that I often avoided being out in public, especially social gatherings. I knew that my confused behavior, like not acknowledging people I knew, was being misinterpretated, because others could not "see" that I could not see.
The only way I knew how to cope with this was to retreat farther into myself. I became isolated and lonely, and longed for the vision I had once had. During this retreat inward, I began to understand how crucial it is for a person to be understood and accepted by others. But how could I accomplish this with an invisible disability that few knew about or understood the implications of? I learned how much of our connection to other people relies on nonverbal subtleties. Reading, and being read by, others is crucial to social interaction, and I could do neither.
I was forced into being with myself completely, without the visual distractions of this world, both the beautiful and the ugly. Through this often painful journey, I discovered parts of myself that could have been left buried forever. I came to accept the parts of myself that I liked and disliked. I came to value myself as I am, without needing others to validate me in the many ways I had relied on previously. All in all, I gained a sight into myself that has become of most importance to me.
I have since gained much of my vision back, but the sight that I gained into myself has remained. I can now navigate through this world in deeper ways than I had ever thought possible. Because I know myself better, I can know others better. Because I can see the invisible and unspoken parts of myself, I can now see those parts of others. And finally, because I can now accept myself in more complete ways, I can give that same acceptance to the people in my life.
If I could not see who was approaching, I did not know how to react to this person. Do I smile, being considerate and friendly to a fellow human being, who I did not know? Is it an aquaintance that I say hello to? Or is it a friend that I should acknowledge with excitement and engage in conversation with? I was so afraid of being misinterpreted, that I often avoided being out in public, especially social gatherings. I knew that my confused behavior, like not acknowledging people I knew, was being misinterpretated, because others could not "see" that I could not see.
The only way I knew how to cope with this was to retreat farther into myself. I became isolated and lonely, and longed for the vision I had once had. During this retreat inward, I began to understand how crucial it is for a person to be understood and accepted by others. But how could I accomplish this with an invisible disability that few knew about or understood the implications of? I learned how much of our connection to other people relies on nonverbal subtleties. Reading, and being read by, others is crucial to social interaction, and I could do neither.
I was forced into being with myself completely, without the visual distractions of this world, both the beautiful and the ugly. Through this often painful journey, I discovered parts of myself that could have been left buried forever. I came to accept the parts of myself that I liked and disliked. I came to value myself as I am, without needing others to validate me in the many ways I had relied on previously. All in all, I gained a sight into myself that has become of most importance to me.
I have since gained much of my vision back, but the sight that I gained into myself has remained. I can now navigate through this world in deeper ways than I had ever thought possible. Because I know myself better, I can know others better. Because I can see the invisible and unspoken parts of myself, I can now see those parts of others. And finally, because I can now accept myself in more complete ways, I can give that same acceptance to the people in my life.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Hoping to share my life in new ways...
Welcome to my blog! I decided to start this blog in order to share with others the challenges and lessons that I have discovered in living a daily life with Multiple Sclerosis. I have the hopes of helping my friends and family better understand me,in a deeper and more meaningful way.and connecting with, and possibly helping, others that struggle with MS. MS can be a very isolating condition. Plagued with severe fatigue and pain, as well as numerous other disabling factors, makes it hard to get out and maintain relationships in the way that I would like to. Therefore, this is hopefully going to be a way that I can continue to share my life with those that I care about. I do not wish to bore others with an exhaustive explanation of all my symptoms, nor do I wish to vent about the unfairness of having this condition. I only wish to challenge myself to grow from adversity, and share it with all of you. I hope that this will be an inspiring blog; that it will inspire not only you, but me as well. I will do my best to refrain from self-pity and venting, and do all that I can to bring light and hope to those that read this. Thank you so much for visiting, and I wish you all a wonderful day.
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